Hineini — הִנֵּֽנִי — Here I am

On my 28th birthday I called out to the Lord and said “Hineini, Here I am.”

Why now?

Let me explain, I am a Christian and a Marthomite in specific. Going to church every Sunday, involving in church activities, no substances of abuse and whatever you might expect from a typical church going millennial.

I am no saint.

I dealt with my fair share of sinful paths. But I wasn’t ready for what came since that day.

Something changed.

From out of nowhere came waves of temptations, numerous instances of sinful indulgences.

I still went to church, tried to engage in every activity that brought me closer to God.

It felt like taking one step forward and two steps backward.

• Sinful thoughts
• Being unproductive
• Sense of meaninglessness
• Looming anxiety
• Loss of motivation

Every attempt to get back to baseline felt impossibly hard.

It was easier on the shore

Coasting through life from the sidelines, going with the motion was not that hard. Waking up with a prayer and reading the Bible was becoming optional. Skipping church every other Sunday was normalized.

From the outside, it seemed as nothing had changed. But each moment away from the light led me to deeper darkness.

The stark contrast

I could clearly see the difference before and after. My struggles grew larger and my spirit weaker.

I don’t doubt my decision to give my life to Christ, I don’t rethink my choice to live for Him.

I was unprepared for what that decision and choice ensued.

I’m not the first

Throughout the Bible and in my life I’ve learned about people suffering for having taken this path of discipleship.

I recalled the stories of Moses, Jeremiah, Gideon, David, John and many more who were doubtful and persecuted since the calling.

Learning to walk again

I had to come back to the basics. Reading the Bible, praying everyday, calling out the sin and repenting. You lose the plot while trying to fight alone. You are never alone, God is with you.

Just as you said Hineini, God also says Hineini. Ever present. Ever loving.

Hope

Jesus gave His all to save you and me. For the wages of sin is death, and He has defeated death itself so that we may live.

One thing that you can trust is God’s faithfulness. He does not give you burdens that He has not weighed Himself.

The way out

If you are reading this and feel something similar, remember, Jesus is tenderly calling you. Take heed and respond to His call Hineini.

It will not get easier. But you will get stronger.

Pray for me as I also pray for you to get through this difficult time.

In Jesus name.

Amen.